Life Lesson Learned

I struggle with whether or not blogging about yourself and your life is narcissistic or therapudic. I'm hoping to find out soon as I've decided to give it a try. I'm a put it out there kind of person anyway, definitely not shy and consider my life an open book. Granted, probably not a very interseting one but an open book none the less.

So, let's see. What did I do this week? As usual it was a full one. School, work, meetings, my aunt is still in the hospital, etc. School was actually very interesting. I had to write a paper for psych about childhood experiences. Oh boy! We're in chapter 8, Cognitive Learning.

First just let me say that I know my childhood sucked and was traumatic, without a doubt it was. But I've never been the type that subscribed to the theory that it was the reason for my failures or issues now as an adult. We were given several options for the overall theme of the paper. The one I chose was talking about my concerns in early, middle and late adolesence.

I didn't know how to start so I just started typing. The result was something that I have to admit, shocked me! My mind was trying to think of what my concerns in early adolesence were and my first thought was to my parents divorce, which then brought up vivid memories of me thinking it was my fault. After I realized that I also realized that this feeling of being responsible for everything, thinking that everything is my fault, is still with me now as an adult.

At work, with my friends, in my relationships with my family, I constantly feel the need to pull my weight so to speak. Like my very presence is something that needs to be atoned for. I am able to look at the ones I love and say you are perfect the way you are and I love you unconditionally but I can not accept that someone would be able to do the same for me.

It was a profound moment in my life. I've been trying to digest it all week. I'm hoping that since now I know this about myself that maybe that will be the first step in fixing it. But who knows . Sometimes I really don't believe that certain traumas can heal, they're just too deep.

If there is healing in this world though, I do hope I find it.